Bored in Beijing

I recently decided to write a book called '101 Self-Help Books I Don't Have The Time (Nor Inclination) To Write'. The book will consist of 101 synopses of silly self-help books. Here are a few I've completed (with a lot of help from friends!) At the end of this blog entry, there are some titles that I haven't even had time to write synopses for - oy vey.

The Loser's Guide to Success

In this book, I explore the secrets to success of losers in various fields. Through extensive interviews with petty criminals, drug addicts, alcoholics, divorcees, and Brittney Spears, the true path to loserhood is illuminated. Did you think it was easy being a loser? Waking up each morning and failing miserably at everything you planned? Of course not! To lose well, and truly, requires determination few can muster. This book gives you the guidance and the motivation to truly succeed at something (probably for the first time in your life) – failure.

Stop Looking for Gurus: Find Someone Who's Always Wrong, and Do the Opposite

This book has been a long time coming. After years of never living up to the examples they set, I decided to look for guidance from someone ‘less than perfect’. In this wonderful book, he begins by telling us about his failed attempts at enlightenment –mass marriages with the reverend Sun Yun Moon, failed pilgrimages to Bangalore to meet Sai Baba, Montanan compounds and standoffs with the FBI, and Jews for Jesus. Oy vey!

One day, after years of emulating success and perfection, I awoke and had what can only be described as a moment of clarity – he was doing everything ass backwards. Instead of trying to copy what others did right, he would just do the opposite of what others did wrong. His first step was to find a restaurant that was failing miserably and study everything about it. Within one month, he opened his own restaurant and did everything completely opposite of what he had observed. Guess what – SUCCESS! Since then, he has applied his patent pending technique to marriage, carreer, investment, and not being a heroin addict.

Top 10 Secrets of the Steadily Employed

Ever had a job for more than three and a half months? I have! Believe it or not, simply by reading this book you can learn the tricks of the trade. Avoid getting fired over and over again from job after job. Such common sense as ‘don’t hit your boss’, ‘no peyote on the job, kemosabe!’ and ‘use the toilet’ will ring true to anyone that’s ever had, or wanted, a job.

Jarring Realities - Worry your way to a thinner, happier you!

Recent studies have shown that fidgeting, worrying, biting nails, anxiety attacks, restless energy, bouncing your legs, twiddling your thumbs, and OCD are more effective at burning calories than going to the gym. Get off the meds and start shaking your body to lose weight!

How to Bullshit People

Bullshitting 101 is presented in this easy to read, easy to understand, and impossible to trust new book by me. Over 200 pages of tips and tricks you, the reader, never know if the author is being upfront with you. Where does the bullshit end (indeed, begin) in this informative text? No spoilers here, you’ve got to buy the book!

Break the Cycle of Eating and Sleeping Now!

Wake up and have some eggs. Keep eating all day. Go to sleep. Repeat. Does this sound like your life? Day in, day out, the same thing over and over. What drudgery! How boring and, of course, totally lame! With this new book, even a complete moron can master the techniques that will take you out of the endless ‘sleep/eat’ cycle, or SEC. Did we say ‘techniques’? We meant to say ‘technique’. That’s right, there’s only one little thing you need to do to break the cycle and become a truly free individual. Of course, we won’t reveal the secrets entombed in this lofty treatise, because then you wouldn’t buy the book! But, just to give you a little hint, think of two words that rhyme with brystol leth. Ooops, did we just reveal too much?

Big Fish Little Pond: Make It In Podunk and Spin It Up to Gotham
Turn your job into cash
The new Computer Revolution - Get started with the trend that's changing American business
Gangsta Yoga
Erotic Massage for Pets
The Benefits of Short Term Planning: The Secret to Success "They" Don't Want You To Know
202 Self-Help and Philosophy Books I Don't Have Time to Write
Tantric Techniques for Pets